Bonding With Your Baby After Adoption

Bonding and attachment have long been topics I have had an interest in. You see, I studied Human Development in college, and all of my undergraduate research was on attachment issues.  Attachment is basically the bond between an individual (in this case infant) and his caregiver.  According to Bowlby’s Theory of Attachment, there are four basic attachment styles.  I won’t go into all of the details here, but there are both healthy and unhealthy attachment styles.  After combing through tons of data and information on the subject, it was really startling to see how critical early attachment is as it pertains to an individuals later relationships. 

This might sound somewhat like commons sense.  OF COURSE a baby’s first and most important relationship with a caregiver will affect their later relationships.  But for me not just seeing, but actually uncovering the statistics, was really sobering. 

In some ways, the prospect of attachment with a baby who had been adopted left me with some concerns.  (Those concerns really seem a bit funny now, as not one of them has come to fruition.) 
As a side note, I should specify that I was never for one second worried about my ability to attach to my baby.  I knew I would love my baby completely and instantly.  And I did.  I completely fell in love with that little squirt from the moment I felt him bouncing around in Natalie”s tummy.  That love grew exponentially from the first time I held him.  The moment I laid eyes on him, my heart said, “There you are! I’ve been waiting for you!”  It’s only gotten better ever since. 

I was, however, slightly worried about my baby being able to attach easily to me.  After all every single thing about me would be unfamiliar to him.  From the sound of my voice to the way I smell, nothing would be what he was used to.  Unlike most babies, our little mister would have to learn who his momma is.  I was also a little sad that I would be unable to breastfeed (Yes, I know that some adoptive moms are able to breastfeed.  As much as I wish I could, my body just can’t).  I always thought that would be a bonding experience I would be able to have with my babies.
  
I knew things would eventually work out.  I know too many happy families created through adoption to believe otherwise.  But I had also heard stories about how developing that bond can be a bit tricky at first sometimes.  So before our baby boy joined our family, I did lots of research on what things Spencer and I could do to foster positive attachment.  Though I had studied the topic of attachment extensively, I had never before looked at it in the context of adoption.  There was lots of good information, as well as several suggestions from friends who have also adopted that I found truly helpful.  I only focused on infant adoption, because we adopted our son right after birth.  But of course there are also lots of resources available to couples adopting older children.

So here’s a few ideas that worked for our family:

1. When at all possible, the parents of the baby should be the ones to feed the baby.  Feeding is perhaps THE most bonding experience.  You will likely have many kind offers from others to help.  But it might be confusing to the baby to be fed from several different people.  He needs to learn who his caregivers are.  I would recommend really focusing on Baby during feeding times.  Talk to him, sing to him, cuddle him close, and really give him the opportunity to get to know you.  One of the perks of bottle feeding is that it gives daddy the opportunity to bond with Baby in that way too.  Take advantage of it. 

2.  Enjoy skin to skin contact with baby.  There are actually lots of health reasons to do this, as well as being a bonding experience.  Numerous studies have shown that skin to skin contact can regulate the baby’s temperature, heart, and breathing; elevate the baby’s blood sugar; and allow the baby to be colonized by the same bacteria as his mother.
 
3. Invest in a baby wrap.  My sister gave us a Moby that I have just loved.  By doing a lot of baby wearing you can get things done around the house (like vacuuming or folding laundry), but still have your baby close to you.  Baby Boy loves it too.  He is perfectly happy and content being close to me and doing whatever I am doing.

4. Communicate how much you love your baby through touch.  Especially after bath time, you can gently rub lotion on Baby’s skin.  It is very important for Baby to learn your touch.  I love to turn on the space heater for Baby Boy after his bath and sing to him while I get him all dry and dressed and ready for the day.  It’s nice when we can start of the morning in a way that he finds relaxing and comforting. 

5. One thing we did to help comfort our baby was to wrap him in the blanket he was swaddled in at the hospital.  Because his birthmom had cuddled with him while he was wrapped in the blanket, we knew it would smell like her.  We hoped it would be familiar and reassuring for him to have a piece of his birthmomma come home from the hospital with him.  We used that blanket a lot those first few days, and we really think that it helped.  

Poor baby had to be on the lamps for a few days.  We laid his "Natalie blanket" over him to help calm him down.

Hopefully these few ideas can be helpful.  There are TONS more.  Adoptive Families Magazine has some of the best information I have found on bonding with your baby after adoption.  Check out this link here.   

I might also add to be patient.  Adoption is always stressful, even under the very best of circumstances.  Unlike individuals who give birth to their babies, adoptive parents may meet their child for the first time in an unfamiliar city/state and then bring their baby “home” to a hotel room to wait for paperwork to clear.  The fact of the matter is, that it may take you extra time to hit your stride and develop a consistent schedule.  I have heard of some families who needed a few weeks or months to finally develop an attachment with their child.    

But it will happen.  I was so excited when Baby Boy started turning his head to search for my voice.  It was even more exciting when he began to recognize me in the morning and would greet me with a big smile.  I love that when he”s sad, he usually just needs some loves from his mommy to cheer him up. 



There's no doubt about it, this kiddo knows who his momma is.

Mr. M’s First Trip to the Zoo

We took the little cutie for a trip to the zoo while his Aunt Chelsey was visiting!  He LOOOOVED it!  Especially the monkeys.  Monkeys are his favorite.  Well, okay, mostly he kind of napped in his stroller.  But we had lots of fun showing him all of the animals nevertheless.

“Look baby!  It’s a Zebra!”:

“ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…”

 

“Oh look Baby!  It’s a goat!”:

I realize in this picture it kind of looks like the goat is a little up close and personal.  I promise that the goat was, in fact, a respectable distance away from my kid (HAHA “Kid” I slay myself).  But really, I didn’t let the goat close enough to eat my baby.  He was much further away than it looks.  Just thought I would let you know lest you worry…

“ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…”

 

“Oh look Baby it’s Aunt Chelsey in a tortoise shell!  Now THERE”S a sight you don’t see everyday! Rare!  Beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful!”:

“Oh look Baby, It’s a Daddy!  Genus: Homosapien, Class: Goofball.”:

“Not impressed here Mom.”:

BAH!  He’s so cute!  Chubmiser. 

We had lots of fun taking pictures:

I do wish we could have gotten a picture of baby in the love nest with us, but he was sleeping so peacefully, that we didn’t want to disturb him.  Next time.  Next time. 

Perhaps our favorite part of the trip was feeding a Giraffe!  BABY! 

But honestly, for me, the real highlight was this:

No, NOT watching Spencer’s bum prance along.  Dirty minds.   

It was watching my handsome sweetheart push my little sweetheart around in the stroller.  We have waited so long to share our family adventures with a little one.  Even though he pretty much slept a lot of the time, It was a delight to have our precious little guy along for the ride. 

A Man of Many Hats

Why Open Adoption?

When people find out that Mason was adopted, there are usually lots of questions that follow.  We don’t usually mind because we love talking about adoption and sharing our experience. 
It has been especially interesting to see how many people seem surprised that we have an open adoption.  We have made so many friends and contacts within the adoption community that I sometimes forget that the majority of the population doesn’t know as much about open adoption as we do.  Because it is a somewhat newer concept, I suppose the idea is still catching on.     
As a consequence, we have gotten all kinds of intriguing comments/questions regarding our open adoption, such as:
“Aren’t you afraid she’ll change her mind or try to steal him back?”
or
“Won’t that be confusing for Mason when he gets older?  How will he know who his mom is?”
or
“I don’t know how I feel about that.”  (Rude!) 
Oh my goodness.  No no no.  There are a number of reasons Spencer and I were and are excited to have an open adoption.
But before I get ahead of myself let me explain what open adoption is, for those readers who don’t really know.  Open adoption means that there is a relationship between the adoptive parents, the child placed for adoption, and the birth parents.  It used to be that when adoptions took place the records were sealed.  The child placed for adoption grew up with no information regarding their birth parents and visa versa.  This is actually much less common these days.  According to the 2007 National Survey of Adoptive Parents (NSAP), 67 percent of private adoptions have pre-adoption agreements of at least a semi-open adoption. There are varying degrees as to just how open a relationship is desired.  Sometimes open means that pictures/letters are exchanged through agency mediation.  Sometimes open includes phone calls and visits.  But even though they aren’t widely understood, the fact of the matter is that open adoptions are becoming the norm. 
While I could enumerate the practical reasons for openness (for example: Mason has access to his birth families medical information.  Just think how valuable and perhaps even life-saving this knowledge could be.), I wanted to focus on the primary reasons we value having an open adoption. 
One reason we wanted an open adoption was because we believed it would be psychologically and emotionally healthy for our child.  Mason will not have to wonder why he was placed for adoption. Natalie has told us. She will tell him.  Mason will know that he wasn’t placed because he wasn’t wanted. On the contrary, Natalie’s decision to place him was one of selflessness and total love. He will know, without a doubt, that he was treasured long before he became a part of our family. Just think of how this knowledge of his birthmother’s love will impact his self-esteem.
Openness in adoption fosters self-esteem in other ways too. Adoption used to be very hush hush, even to the point that adoptive parents might keep their child’s adoption a secret. Mason will never have some shocking revelation when he gets older. He will know he was adopted like he will know he is a boy.  To shroud the circumstances of how Mason came to be a part of our family in secrecy could be to teach him that his journey to our home was shameful. This simply isn’t the case. We are so proud of the hard thing that Natalie did for her son. Because Mason came to us through her, he was able to touch so many more lives than we ever could have dreamed when we first set out to grow our family. For he has been a miracle not only to Spencer and me, but to Natalie and her family as well. The role he played has been special and irreplaceable.  His story is so amazing; we love to share every piece of it with him.  
I realize that sometimes the situations surrounding adoption are hard.   It is still generally recommended for the child to know the circumstances of their birth/placement at a level they are ready to hear and understand.  Even though it can be hard to come to terms with difficult events from the past, knowing the truth (even the hard truth) is generally better than not having the information at all. 
Another reason we wanted an open adoption was because we believed it would be psychologically and emotionally healthy for our child’s birthmom.  We want our Natalie to see the beautiful little baby she placed grow up.  We want her to see that he is healthy and happy.  I can’t speak on behalf of all of the birthmoms out there, but I have been told that sometimes it is comforting and reassuring to see the child you placed happy within the family you picked just for him or her.  Perhaps seeing your little one in this way would reaffirm that the decision you made was a wonderful one.  We hope more than anything that we can be a support and comfort to this amazing woman who has blessed our family beyond measure. 
But perhaps the most compelling reason for our open adoption is this:
See this cute boy:

Man oh man, how we love this cute boy. 
You know who else loves this cute boy?
This cute girl:

How could there ever possibly be too many people to love our little boy? 
We just adore Natalie.  We of course love her for the amazing thing she did for our family.  But it is more than that.  We love her because she is an extension of our family, our friend, and our Natalie.  It is difficult to put into words how much we treasure the relationship we have with her.  We feel SO GRATEFUL that she gets to be a part of our lives. 
So what does open adoption look like for our family? 
It’s kind of like any relationship you might have with a family member.  We call, text, e-mail, and visit.  When Mason does something new, or is even just being particularly cute or smiley, the first person we want to show is Natalie.  Who usually responds to every picture we text with “AWWW He’s SOOOOOOO cute!  I’m Dying here!!!!!!!!”  We just love showing her how big and smart and handsome her little boy is growing up to be. 
While we were in Utah, we saw Natalie several times after placement.  We invited her to take family pictures with us (the picture above of Natalie and Mason is hanging in Mason’s nursery).  Natalie came to a baby shower that my family threw for Mason after he was born.  We took Mason on his first picnic together.  We met up for dinner.  Natalie spent time with our family, we spent time with hers.  We are already planning a trip for her to come out and visit us this summer.  We just love our Natalie time.   
So, no, OF COURSE we aren’t afraid she’ll try to steal Mason.  For Pete's sakes, she is the one that made an adoption plan for her baby.  And nooooo, we’re not worried that Mason will be confused as to who his mom is.  Natalie does not try to parent Mason.  Just as my sisters don’t try to parent him when they visit.  They come and love him and cuddle with him and soak up every second with him.  Natalie and I have different roles in Mason’s life.  Both special, and both unique.  No confusion there. 
We thank Heavenly Father every prayer we say for our sweet Natalie.  Our family is so grateful for open adoption. 

It really is about love. 

A Boy and His Pup

We were kind of curious how Lizzy would react when we brought Maosn home.  You see, she’s kind of always gotten a lot of attention in our home.  We wondered if she would feel left out, or maybe slightly jealous.

Jealous? No. Curious? Definitely.  Protective?  Assuredly.

Lizzy takes her role as protector VERY seriously.  She loves that Mason boy. 

She knows she’s not allowed to lick or get too close.  And she has really been a very good girl about leaving the baby alone.  But she does like to be near him. 

She will station herself right next to his bouncer or blanket and keep watch.  And if he ever cries, she comes SPRINTING to wherever I am to let me know, “Mom, the bald puppy is crying!”  She tap dances and howls until she knows for certain that we are going to take care of him.  It is really super cute.   

She loves that little boy.  

Love Letter to Our Baby Boy

Dear Mason,

Thank you for being my little sweetheart.  I hope you know what a joy you are to you daddy and me.  These past several weeks as your mommy have been among the happiest of my life. 

You are starting to develop such a cute little personality.  You are pretty mellow and don’t really fuss very much (except when you are getting your diaper changed!).  Lately though, you really don’t like to be put down!  This works pretty well for me because I don’t really like to put you down.  Let’s just say I am getting pretty talented at doing things one handed. 

You love your bath.  You love getting dried off next to a toasty space heater all wrapped up in your cute little monster towel.  You are getting the cutest little rolls on your thighs!  Is there anything cuter than fat, rolly, baby thighs?  Nay!  We LOVE that you are getting so chunky! 

Those chubby cheeks of yours are too cute for words.  I can’t go more than two seconds without kissing them.  Seriously.  Half the time you have traces of lip gloss all over your face.  I can’t help it.  I have to smooch you as often as possible before you grow up and try to stop me.   

Yesterday, you woke up and were all smiles.  It absolutely melted my heart!  You have smiled before, but you are just learning how to interact through facial expression.  I think my favorite sight in the whole world is your smile!  I will make all kinds of ridiculous faces and do all sorts of silly things to earn one of those smiles.  I always whip out the camera to try and capture it, but photographing your gummy grin is easier said than done.  Once you see that camera, you usually become all serious.  Little toot. 

You love your daddy.  When he picks you up when he comes home from work, you give him an “I missed you Dad,” smile.  I love watching my boys together.  Your daddy loves to talk to you and talk for you.  He has a “Mason voice” where he says all the things he thinks you are thinking.  

I adore the little noises you make.  My favorite sound in the world is you sucking on your pacifier.  I have recorded seventeen hours (give or take) of you enjoying your binky.  I love drifting off to sleep to that sound.  My favorite lullaby.  It’s also really cute to listen to you drinking your bottle.  You are quite a messy, noisy eater!  Daddy and I like to talk about how funny it would be if adults were so vocal while enjoying a good meal.  It wouldn’t be so cute if we slurped and sloshed like you, but it’s simply irresistible when you do it. 

You are such a cute little guy.  You always get lots of oohs and ahhs when we’re out and about.  You get lots of compliments on your abundance of hair and plump little cheeks.  You are starting to get a receding hairline like a grandpa!  I’m sad to see all that cute hair go, but you would be the cutest baby in the world even if you were as bald as an egg. 

You have lots of nicknames: Mister, Teddy Bear, Sweetheart, Honey, Handsome, Stinkerpot, Little Fatso (Don’t think this one is mean!  We LOVE that you are a little chunky baby!  It is a most affectionate compliment!), Little One, Little Toot… we make up more every day.

Oh little one, I hope you always know how blessed I feel to get to be your momma.  We are just so smitten with our little man. 

love,

Mommy 

Happy Mother’s Day

Tomorrow is my first Mother’s Day as a mother.  I have spent so much time thinking about how grateful I am for our little boy.

I have also been thinking about how grateful I am for the many amazing women who have touched my life.

First and foremost, my own mother.  My dearest friend.  My great support.  The person that has shown me more than any other what it means to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.  She has cried with me and cheered for me and celebrated with me and believed in me.  I aspire to be just like her when I grow up. 

And my sweet mother-in-law, who in addition to loving and accepting me as one of her own children, raised an amazing son who turned out to be one terrific husband and daddy. 

Of course I am grateful for our Natalie.  The angel girl that made me a mommy.  The person whose selflessness and example has forever changed my life.  I adore her.  Not only for the blessing she is to our family, but for the sweet person she is. 

I am grateful for the many other wonderful women, with and without children, who have reached out to me with a mothers heart.

I wish each of you a happy day and hope that you know how much you are loved and how deeply your influence is felt.  On a day created to honor those amazing women who have most influenced our lives, I hope we can make each special daughter of God feel included and loved. 

Here is one of my favorite talks on motherhood, “Are We Not All Mothers.” 

And here is a an awesome article written by a birthmother on the meaning of Mother’s Day.