Why Open Adoption?

When people find out that our little boy was adopted, there are usually lots of questions that follow.  We don’t usually mind because we love talking about adoption and sharing our experience. 

It has been especially interesting to see how many people seem surprised that we have an open adoption.  We have made so many friends and contacts within the adoption community that I sometimes forget that the majority of the population doesn’t know as much about open adoption as we do.  Because it is a somewhat newer concept, I suppose the idea is still catching on.  
 
As a consequence, we have gotten all kinds of intriguing comments/questions regarding our open adoption, such as:

“Aren’t you afraid she’ll change her mind or try to steal him back?”

or

“Won’t that be confusing for you child when he gets older?  How will he know who his mom is?”

or

“I don’t know how I feel about that.”  (Rude!)

Oh my goodness.  No no no.  There are a number of reasons Spencer and I were and are excited to have an open adoption.

But before I get ahead of myself let me explain what open adoption is, for those readers who don’t really know.  Open adoption means that there is a relationship between the adoptive parents, the child placed for adoption, and the birth parents.  It used to be that when adoptions took place the records were sealed.  The child placed for adoption grew up with no information regarding their birth parents and visa versa.  This is actually much less common these days.  According to the 2007 National Survey of Adoptive Parents (NSAP), 67 percent of private adoptions have pre-adoption agreements of at least a semi-open adoption. There are varying degrees as to just how open a relationship is desired.  Sometimes open means that pictures/letters are exchanged through agency mediation.  Sometimes open includes phone calls and visits.  But even though they aren't widely understood, the fact of the matter is that open adoptions are becoming the norm. 

While I could enumerate the practical reasons for openness (for example: our son has access to his birth families medical information.  Just think how valuable and perhaps even life-saving this knowledge could be.), I wanted to focus on the primary reasons we value having an open adoption.
 
One reason we wanted an open adoption was because we believed it would be psychologically and emotionally healthy for our child.  Our son will not have to wonder why he was placed for adoption. Natalie has told us. She will tell him.  He will know that he wasn't placed because he wasn't wanted. On the contrary, Natalie’s decision to place him was one of selflessness and total love. He will know, without a doubt, that he was treasured long before he became a part of our family. Just think of how this knowledge of his birthmother’s love will impact his self-esteem.

Openness in adoption fosters self-esteem in other ways too. Adoption used to be very hush hush, even to the point that adoptive parents might keep their child’s adoption a secret. Our kiddo will never have some shocking revelation when he gets older. He will know he was adopted like he will know he is a boy.  To shroud the circumstances of how he came to be a part of our family in secrecy could be to teach him that his journey to our home was shameful. This simply isn’t the case. We are so proud of the hard thing that Natalie did for her son. Because our baby boy came to us through her, he was able to touch so many more lives than we ever could have dreamed when we first set out to grow our family. For he has been a miracle not only to Spencer and me, but to Natalie and her family as well. The role he played has been special and irreplaceable.  His story is so amazing; we love to share every piece of it with him.  

I realize that sometimes the situations surrounding adoption are hard.   It is still generally recommended for the child to know the circumstances of their birth/placement at a level they are ready to hear and understand.  Even though it can be hard to come to terms with difficult events from the past, knowing the truth (even the hard truth) is generally better than not having the information at all. 

Another reason we wanted an open adoption was because we believed it would be psychologically and emotionally healthy for our child’s birthmom.  We want our Natalie to see the beautiful little baby she placed grow up.  We want her to see that he is healthy and happy.  I can’t speak on behalf of all of the birthmoms out there, but I have been told that sometimes it is comforting and reassuring to see the child you placed happy within the family you picked just for him or her.  Perhaps seeing your little one in this way would reaffirm that the decision you made was a wonderful one.  We hope more than anything that we can be a support and comfort to this amazing woman who has blessed our family beyond measure. 

But perhaps the most compelling reason for our open adoption is this:

See this cute boy:



Man oh man, how we love this cute boy. 

You know who else loves this cute boy?

This cute girl:



How could there ever possibly be too many people to love our little boy? 

We just adore Natalie.  We of course love her for the amazing thing she did for our family.  But it is more than that.  We love her because she is an extension of our family, our friend, and our Natalie.  It is difficult to put into words how much we treasure the relationship we have with her.  We feel SO GRATEFUL that she gets to be a part of our lives. 

So what does open adoption look like for our family? 

It’s kind of like any relationship you might have with a family member.  We call, text, e-mail, and visit.  When our little guy does something new, or is even just being particularly cute or smiley, the first person we want to show is Natalie.  Who usually responds to every picture we text with “AWWW He’s SOOOOOOO cute!  I’m Dying here!!!!!!!!”  We just love showing her how big and smart and handsome her little boy is growing up to be. 

While we were in Utah, we saw Natalie several times after placement.  We invited her to take family pictures with us (the picture above of Natalie and Baby Boy is hanging in his nursery).  Natalie came to a baby shower that my family threw for Baby after he was born.  We took the little mister on his first picnic together.  We met up for dinner.  Natalie spent time with our family, we spent time with hers.  We are already planning a trip for her to come out and visit us this summer.  We just love our Natalie time.
   
So, no, OF COURSE we aren’t afraid she’ll try to steal him (that would be called kidnapping, by the way).  For Pete's sakes, she is the one that made an adoption plan for her baby.  And nooooo, we’re not worried that he will be confused as to who his mom is.  Natalie does not try to parent Baby Boy.  Just as my sisters don’t try to parent him when they visit.  They come and love him and cuddle with him and soak up every second with him.  Natalie and I have different roles in our little boy's life.  Both special, and both unique.  No confusion there. 

We thank Heavenly Father every prayer we say for our sweet Natalie.  Our family is so grateful for open adoption. 



It really is about love.